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WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS ** By Steve Salles Standard Examiner movie critic GO: if you want to see something dumber than the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. DON’T GO: if you’re tired of being “punk’d” by weak romantic comedies You have to appreciate a movie title that basically says this is such an embarrassing life experience that even Britney Spears wouldn’t want it to see the light of day - and yet here it is. Based on the idea that stupid, drunk people make stupid, drunk decisions especially when they’re in Sin City, Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz stretch believability even further as they not only get a quickie marriage while under the influence in Vegas, but are forced to stay married for six months because a judge doesn’t like their attitude? Wow. Jack Fuller (Kutcher) is a confirmed goofball bachelor that can’t even keep a job working at his father’s cabinet manufacturing plant. Joy McNally (Diaz) is the uptight stockbroker who is crushing the life out of her relationship with her incessant planning, even though it’s readily apparent that her intended is a complete jerk face. Jack laments his loss of job with his pal (Rob Corddry) in a local tavern and these two great minds come up with the notion that what they need is a Vegas getaway. Joy is the recipient of one of the most humiliating dumpings in the history of bad breakups as her fiancé gives her the old heave-ho as they’re standing in the foyer of a carefully planned surprise party for his birthday - of course within ear shot of all the guests. Surprise? She and gal pal Tipper (Lake Bell) make the same getaway decision but as lame comedic fate would have it, both sets of friends are booked into the exact same hotel room. What are the odds? After that annoying attempt at hilarity is milked for every possible laugh, the group decides to hang out anyway leading to a hazy night of inebriation and “I Do’s.” If that’s not enough, Jack puts Joy’s last quarter into a morning after slot machine and they win three million dollars. And of course since they’re married, it’s share and share alike. Bringing us to the judgment of forced marriage, court ordered counseling, shared living arrangement and devious plot to destroy each other to avoid having to share the money. Joy’s militant friend Tipper keeps talking about wanting to “junk punch” every man in the film, which works to some degree since I felt it sitting back in the tenth row. Jack’s friend who becomes known as “Hater” manages to squeeze in a few one liners as the inept lawyer, but even his man rant frenzy wears thin. And if you haven’t figured out where all this is going by now, you haven’t been paying the least bit of attention (not that I blame you). So, the best thing going for “What Happens in Vegas” is that it follows on the bridal heels of “Made of Honor” - an even more annoying romantic tale. It also helps if you’re a card carrying member of the Cameron Diaz or Ashton Kutcher fan clubs, otherwise I would leave this one in Vegas and bet on better films to come.
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