"I was astounded that I could feel differently, and feel as though my problems were someplace else."
"The availability, being a professional and being in an office where you got samples, where you could prescribe, where you had a license to do that, without realizing that it was too easy to continue."
It's very seductive...
"It's very seductive. I think that we don't realize how seductive it is. That we think that one or two is not a problem. We think it's not a problem. But that's lying to ourselves. It's very seductive to feel different. To feel as though some of the pressures of making or living and the pressures that you have in a profession that's only thought of as painful. You sedate away the emotional pain and you sedate away competing and having competitors instead of colleagues."
Wreckage Not Worth It
"The wreckage that we leave in our lives, the wreckage of family, the wreckage of patients and practice are not worth what we end up with."
Drug Use Secretive
"It's a very secretive thing in the health care professions. I think it's higher in medical professionals because of access. Because we're afraid of street drugs. We know exactly what they'll do. I used to work in the emergency room."
"I was aware of two instances where people were impaired on the job in 23 years of in-hospital nursing. But again this is from someone who thought she was functioning at peak performance when she was using a lot of morphine."
We're Taught Drugs Help People...
"I honestly believed I did a better job as the charge nurse when I was high. I just wanted to be dead. But I found out if I used drugs I felt better. We're taught, right from the beginning, drugs help people."
"I believed I could control it. I think that's real common in medical professionals. We believe that we're stronger than the drug or the, you know, the drink."
Stealing drugs
"I figured out a way to steal drugs that my patients were able, my patients got the drugs they needed. I got the drugs I needed. I would choose particular patients for whom I knew the medication was indicated, but hadn't necessarily been ordered. And I would take the drug and then I would go use it. By the end I had to inject four to six times a day. Just to keep from being sick. The first thing I did every morning when I got to work, was get some morphine."
"The stealing became part of the thrill. I was getting it over on people. And the IV drug use became part of the thrill. It was, 'I'm a cool IV drug user.'"
Started with Wine
"I started with a glass of wine after a busy shift. And then it went to a glass of wine and a Percocet after a busy shift. And then it went, you know, it just progressed from there."
"I thank God on a regular basis that I didn't kill somebody."
Tried to Stop
"I can't even tell you how many times I tried to stop it. I tried to stop it probably 50 times in a year and a half. And it got worse and worse."
"The only reason I'm clean and sober now is I got arrested. I got stopped. I could not understand how it had gone on for so long and they hadn't caught me."
Lost Just About Everything
"The reason I agreed to do this interview is that I had the opportunity 10 years ago to get clean and make it then. I had to lose just about everything in order to get it through my skull that I had a problem. I had to lose my kids. I had to sell my home. I, of course, lost my job. I did, by the grace of God, keep my nursing license."
Pray For Help
"I get up every morning and pray, please help me stay clean and sober today and help me to not have cravings."
